Through my eyes

So the last week of winter break i had my parents think i was going camping with school haha. even though i missed home, like the food, i had so much fun not being home. it felt good sleeping over at my friend's house, it felt good staying out late with my friends. it felt good being out with my friends period. it just felt like so much fun. fun i havent ever had before. and you know what? people think i go out and party do drugs, down drinks and smoke weed ahha fuck you guys. i didnt do shiizzlees =) tehe i didnt do anyhting that made me high or drunk. oh wait I WAS HIGH ON LIFEEE. it was a natural high and it felt gooodd. i couldnt have asked for a better week/weekend. =)


well i left on wednesday 30jan08 around 5ish. got picked up and went to uncle's ! <3 he's like a second father. he really did take care of us kids hahah. well some kids watched movies. thomas and i were just running around finding stuff to do. we ate tina's cookies which were gooooooood. we waited for zameel to come and then we went to ashwin's for his new year's party. it was pretty dramatic at first but it was whatever afterwards. we danced and tried to have fun. i got really sleepy and sat around a lot. i tried dancing to liven up my soul but my body was really tired. OH YEAH I GOT TO DRIVE! HEHEHE after the party we all went to qui's house because well. we weren't ready to go home haha. we stayed there and talked.


i didnt sleep all night but whatever cause i still had fun. in the morning we went back to uncle's afterwards and everyone slept but me. i tried sleeping for like an hour then i stopped and went online. afterwards i went to the park by myself and just walked around. it felt good but cold. afterwards i went with uncle to the store to buy soda. picked up jessica and kim, went back to uncle's and ate. kim and jessica went back home later on too and the rest of us just chilled around all day. thomas slept again eventually and afterwards zameel came over. when we were able to get everyone up and running we went to andora's to play board games. we played taboo and everyone was hella loud lolol. her mom came in and said oh my goodness i thought there was a fight in here. ahaha we went to san felipe afterwards. kim and i were scared so we crosssed one border and not the 2nd one. we were too scared. the others went up to the house to the backdoor. gehfnskdaw8eyhqerdfc8yihkfdwd. lol afterwards kim and i went into the car and for some scaryass reason the other side of the car, the door was open. creeeepy. but whatever. i dont remember how but we went to qui's after that.. ahhaha and more damn kids wanted to go to san felipe ! >< or marsh road? whatever. still creepy. we pretty much sat around and fooled around. wrestling. boxing. laughing. jokes. taboo.  got tired and watched dark knight lol. 5 minutes before the movie dora fell asleep. 10 minutes into the movie other kids fell asleep. 1/4 way through the movie kim slept. then there was just thi qui thomas and i still watching -.- after the movie (5amish?) we KNOCKED OOOUUTTTTTT. thomas woke up at 9ish to go pick up tina. we woke up eventually around 11 i guess. ate. and then i met kevin =)


went back to dora's to clean ourselves up cause damnsies we were a MESSSS. went to the mall. tried to shop. couldnt shop. went back to dora's and we chilled a little. planned a whole beach trip ! zameel and thomas came and picked us up. we went to qui's AGAIN. >< sat around for like 2-3 hours .. then everyone changed their mind and was like, lets go to the drive in. we finally said OKAY LETS GO BEACH at like 11pm -.- so we went. first we went to eastridge so that everyone can meet up there. we turned on the music and danced. lol.. on the way there it was mad dark and thomas was one scaryass driver. phianh and ashwin were some fast ass drivers -.- we hella lost them lol. 

on the way there we played 10 fingers. and i fucking lost first. i was so pissed hahaha. i was at 5 when everyone was at like 9 or 8. thuan was a good boy -__-. when i lost i kept playing with negative fingers just so i can make ppl get out. i still lost.

right before beach we went to 76 gas station to buy food and drinks. danced some more in the cold cause 2 cars got lost and we had to wait for them. when we got to the beach it was mad stinky. it was interesting because it wasnt cold like at all =) i loved it there so much, kevin was being mr.pussy pants and was complaining about the cold hahaha =D we ran around like crazy animals. well maybe it was just me who ran around like one but still. hahah we sat on the rocks and watched the water go boom. we made fiiirree !!!!!! ashwin: "BITCH, I INVENTED GAYSCOUTS." damn hella funnyyyyyyyyy. i layed with kevin and we saw like 5+ shooting stars. it was my first time ever seeing one and it was his first one of the day -__- walk back to the car was funny too

me: i like it in the back
kevin: haha yeah i was about to say
me: so you like it in the front?

hahahah ;D went back to qui's. played 5 fingers and i lost in the first round.. -__- i layed with kevin afterwards and he held me while i asked him questions. like "what's your favorite color" questions. just random stuff to get to know him better. when i ran out of questions i lost track of my consciousness and fell asleep in his armsies =) went back to dora's in the morning. then i went to uncle's again for one last time before saying bye to uncle :[ watched my sassy girl with thomas john tina and white boy. left in the middle of the movie to go back to dora's. chilled and ate at dora's.... went home =) it was... pretty good. to come home. i missed it while i was gone. and now i'm waiting for some loser to text me so ciao ! <3

i got this. :\

i still like you...




but i hate what you did to me.
i hate it.

don't tell me this is happening again. i'm starting to get real fucked over by these types. and i can't stop feeling like it's my fault because of what i did. because i was one too. and the pain and torture i put on those other girls haha. wow. and now.. well now it's crumbling down and it's coming after me. all those past relationships that coulda been something. fucked over because of an ex girlfriend. well wish me some fucking luck cause i ain't got none. lessons gotta be learned. but you know what? those types don't want to. i would know. i was one of them. they're not gonna give up until they're able to find the answer for themselves. and god knows when that fcking answer will swing on by.

really i am. i can't stop myself. i'm not sure what to do.
i've been going with the flow so much
but i'm scared to keep going
cause i'm scared i'll drown.

I heard a very interesting story yesterday.
it started with 5 lollipops, but it ended far from something i never woulda guessed.


There was this mexican man who lived in mexico
he was a fisher and always fished enough for him and his family.
one day an american business man comes to mexico
and sees the mexican man fishing.
the american business man asks,
"Excuse me sir, what do you do for a living?"
The mexican responded, "I fish for a living, sir.
Enough for me and my family."
The american asks him,
"Why don't you fish for more fish,
then sell it and buy another boat?"
the mexican asks, "Then what?"
"Then you fish and fish and you buy more boats."
"Then what?"
"Then you move to New york and have a big boating industry
where everyone just fishes fish for you, sells fish for you and you make profit."
"Then what?"
"Then you become a multi-millionare"
"Then what?
Hesitating, the american says..
"Then you sell your corporation, retire,
come back to mexico and fish with whats left of your life span."


The point of the story?
just live a simple life.
*shrugs.

i dont get it anymore. i dont think i want to. i dont want to try anymore. not unless you try too. at least show me you're worth the try. don't make me feel like i'm wasting my time.

I've always wanted one. i would start one but i'd be late to school everyday ;P

i really liked my dream last night. i want to write about it but idk if i'ma be late or not XD


i was like at the mall or something and i was on the phone talking to joc
and like michelle phan and thuy and michelle's parents were there or something
and michelle was eaves dropping on my phone call
at first i didn't care but yeah

then i sat down at like some table
and i was still talking to him
then they came by and sat there for some reason


i kept talking like they werent there
then i noticed michelle was starring at me
so i turned around to mean mug her lol
and she was like, it sounds like you're talking to yourself
and i punched her in the face
HAHAHAHH right in front of her mom and dad
then they were like, oh michelle you shouldnt say bad things about people
in viet O_O
and they're not viet. lol they're laos..
then i told them in viet to tell their daughter to shut up or i'll punch her again
after i hit her she got up and walked to like the other side
and thuy went over there to look at her face
and i walked over and told her to shut up and learn her lesson already HAHA xD
and she said she didnt do anything ;P


then idk how but joc appeared
and we were both wearing warmups
like i was wearing my freshman vball warmups
and he was... wearing warmups lolol
and he was like stay warm !
and he zipped up my jacket
then i hugged him and we walked home?
haha i stared at his arm and he knew to put it over my shoulder ;P
then we were laughing and talking idk
and i kissed his little cheeeekie :]!
hehe
then i had another dream
with jodie speaking gibberish
and jenny trying to translate to me
lol.. it was hella weird


jodie was like saying, i needa go bathroom, in gibberish
and jenny repeated her
jodie then screams I WANT THE BATHROOOM PASSS
then jodie said, jenny you're a bitch, in gibberish
and jenny said, i'm not a bitch :[ !
then tina tran and i were hella laughing....


it was soooo weird... O_O

i really hope it's nothing.

Everyone's the same. No matter what they say.


It's always the same shit over again.
Everyone's different in their own way
so why does everyone's actions occur and end in the same way?


Life lessons and lessons learned are the same things over and over again. You see it, but you don't respond. "Action-Reaction." No one really learns from their mistakes. We try to do things differently to avoid the situation, but it always ends in the same way. It's just not gonna work out baby.


It's funny when someone tells you to move on. You can, it's doable. It'll hurt, so what? It's going to happen again. Over and over again. Don't think you'll get hurt by another person? It's bound to happen. Doesn't mean you stop. You keep going to build yourself, Make yourself stronger.

It's just common sense. No big deal. But hey!, instead of getting hurt by the same person over and over again, move the fuck on. Go get hurt by someone else OR why don't you try and go hurt someone for kicks. Haha, it's not being mean. You're helping them grow stronger. We just don't realize how strong we get because we allow the other person to see us get weak.

Weak for what? So that they can feel sympathy? and come running back. It can happen. Highly possible. But just let go after the first time, cause baby it just ain't worth it. Time moves on, Life Moves on and so do we.


Everything hurts, everything feels good. We're only human and that's our saving grace.



whaaatteevvvv ima sleeeeep now. and hopefully get a phone call. AHEM >\

I can't make up my mind. I can't think things through. I keep gettting headaches because i think i can but i can't. i just can't. i don't know why but i wish i could. i wish i knew. i want to know. why can't i know? it cant be that hard, it just can't be. i need a push. something to motivate me. if it's said to be so easy, why hasn't it been done? this is crazy, out of whack. can't get my head back cause it's outta this world. i dont feel the need to want to tell anyone anything anymore and i just dont care (as always). i just want my answer to hit me i the face. stand in front of me. drop in front of me. land in front of me. just be there for me to see and then to hold and cherish. i want that feeling.


dammit.



it's cold and i hate this feeling. i'm gonna try and accomplish this goal. i'm going to do it. well.. i'm going to try..







edit* lol that's pretty amusing. gluck.


i love cao and harry. harry cao HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH i'm pretty damn funny (;

I wantttt.

to be cont.


edit. -
I've always wanted that good feeling. the feeling where you helped someone. they way they look up to you, not just because you're tall but because they admire you for what you've done and whatnot. I want someone to admire me. i want someone to look up at me and not think i'm a bad person. i dont want to be a bad influence. i dont want to disappoint anyone. i want to be me and for doing so i want to be loved. i want to be someone's hero. i believe the only way i can make a child happy is to be their therapist. i can help them i know i can. i want to be their hero. i want them to be happy.



ps. i heard the funniest thing today. one of my let 1's, whom shall not be named (X (cause i don't remember his name :X ) was having this cute little argument with another let 1 from idk which company.

Kid1: WELL MY XO IS PRETTIER
Kid2: WELL MY XO IS SMARTER


HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA. i'm guessing its either charlie or bravo co. cause michelle and marilyn are quite succesful :] as for i am not as succesful. it was a good laugh.

i kinda decided to have like.
my own little postsecret thing.
i just want to like.
express how i feel i guess.
just a small thing.
no big.
its just not a secret anymore.
and i can live with that.
enjoy them while they last?
kthxbai.
&yes i make them myselves ;P

when i was younger, i use to think my mama was the strongest most bravest person i knew. she was my hero and i looked up to her. she always seemed happy and tried to make me happy. whenever i was hurt, she hurt with me. and whenever she hurt, i cried in my room thinking about her. i dont know how many years ago it was, but it was a sudden rush where i just stopped feeling like that. i've stopped believing you were my hero. you use to protect me and now it seems like you only want to protect yourself and to get away. you cry everyday and tell me that we don't love you. everyday you tell me that dad yells at you and we don't do anything to protect you.

but now, now i don't believe you're stong. i think you're weak and scared. i wish you would stand up for yourself and stop letting him push you over. you're a human being too, i want you to go against him. you always make threats about leaving, killing yourself, or taking us away from him. and it's yet to happen. if you're so sick of the fights, gather your strength, be the hero i know you are and take us somewhere safe. somewhere away from this home where nothing but bad happens. you agree with me about him, you talk bad behind his back. but when it comes time to being in front of his face, you close your mouth and cry on the inside. i just wish you'd take all the anger and sorrow; and turn it into something good. something really good. get us away from here mom. it's just not safe anymore.

i miss you, i miss the old you so much. and i love you, i just want to love you more. so much more.
and i want you to love me and not treat me indifferently. why do you treat me differently from lisa, thuy and boy?
love me please.







to nui,
this is crazy i know. i think about this every once and awhile. how our friendship use to be. don't get me wrong, we had a really good friendship. but i couldn't bear hurting you anymore. i couldn't stand watching you be sad because of something i did. it sounds crazy, i'm sorry. i want you to be happy. and we all know, it's not going to work if i'm back in your life. just take this ticket and go be happy. stay away from me and you won't be sad. i promise. i won't make you sad anymore. just as long as you promise to not be my friend anymore.

I read my horoscope today, it was in french. Like it was in french class and it was in the language.. O_O chu know? well it said i'm elegant and materialistic. I can understand elegant because i have a small case of ocd where things just have to be well organized and perfect or i'll be bitter all day.  now, materialistic? uhm... i GUESSS i am... but i'm not hellaaaa. i think that as long as i have clothes on my back i'm goood.


it also told me that it's not my fault i'm sad all the time. when i read that, i was like... wow... i didn't know horoscopes told you things like that. so it made me think, normally i'm a happy person. its just other things make me sad. people in general. a lot of people actually. i just need to learn to pick up from where i'm dropped down and keep smiling. greeeaattt..


it also said, i can be a good actress. which is something i've always wanted to be with the whole "be a psychologist" back up plan. :]

it just sucks and hurts to know that papa doesnt want me to be a psychologist. even though they get paid $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$.
he wants me to be a scientist. i love science but uh... no thanks. learning about diseases already make me sad.

suddenly i'm not sure if volleyball makes me more happy or makes me more mad. i'm getting better by the day. i'm so capable. i can feel it. but it feels like i dont want it enough to reach out and grab for it. dammit. i need some motivation.


i need a boyfriend. one who will motivate me to do shit.

hung out with nala today. fun fun. then hung out with anna and marilyn, even more fun. you just HAD to be there. ;D

i'm not sure if you want something from me or if you're just like trying to torture me. what is it? tell me. i can't take this any longer. you've questioned me all 17 years of my life. isnt it time to just.. let it go? just leave me alone. i don't need middle child syndrome. fuckit i already have it. it's your fault. i know it's your fault. you've caused me to feel this way for the longest time. whenever leesa got good grades, she was praised. whenever she got bad grades you don't talk to her. but for me whenever i get good grades, "work harder" WTF? when i get bad grades, " you're fucking stupid, you won't get into college, you're a disgrace to this family" ?!??!??! why do i receive such harsh words. i always thought that the first 5 had it bad, because you always make it seem like you hate them. but out of the next 6 children, you treat me the worst. thuy and boy are still being treated as if they're 6. you always tell me, you're older now you're 17 you should know better. WHAT THE FUCK ? BULLSHIT. thuy is 14 now, boy is 12. don't give me bullshit like that. thuy's too short to put away the dishes? she's fucking my height -.- boy isnt 6 anymore. leave me the fuck alone and have him do something for once. even when leesa lived in this house, "your sister's doing hw, just wash the dishes." when i'm doing hw though and i say i'm doing hw, "you never help around the house, you don't want to help your mother, you just want her to suffer." omg.. can you guys be anymore of a big piece of drama queen? i don't need this from you anymore. not right now, not ever. i'm going through what i believe is the hardest years of my life. if i fail this, i fail getting into college and getting a job. do you want that? no you don't. and yet you don't believe i can make it into sjsu -.- i dont even want to fucking go there. how the fuck is sjsu going to help me in psychology? their psychology sucks ! you don't even approve of me taking psychology ! well get the fuck over it, because all that money is going to fucking go towards you and shit. you guys always depend on me and shit too, shouldnt it be the other way around? shouldn't i need your shoulder? you need to understand that i'm not trying to be a bad daughter, that's far from what i want to be. but just because my friend doesnt want to drive me home by 10 doesnt mean i'm being the worst daughter in the word. you've got to be kidding me. if you want me home by 10 then why don't you pick me up? always asking my friends to drive me home. it's like you don't understand and that hurts. it hurts a lot. and if you don't want to drive me home, or have my friends drive me home, then fix that damn car up quickly and give it to me so i can drive it -.- just stop hounding me. :\ i want to love you guys and i want you to love me. i dont want to feel like i'm isolated and hated in this house. i dont want to feel like this anymore.









well :| , on the bright side? yesterday after company clean up, i had my company form up. called them to attention, counted to 3 and my company said, "Battalion Xo, will you go to homecoming with Cathy?!" :] he didnt understand what the hell they were saying until after like the 3rd time and he just read his sister's lips ;P but he said yes, so i'm happy. and so is he. so it's all good in the hood yah dig? i just hope i can go since i got in trouble last night and today -.- jesus. for no apparent fucking good reason. i need a dress. :] i probably won't go to HC game. if i do, it'll be for awhile.

fuck dude. i screwed up. now idk if i can go to the hc game or dance  :\

get the fuck outta my life. who told you you were allowed to plant your damn footsteps into my life? no one told you to put me in your life. it was all you choice. i had nothing to do with you until you made me a part of your life. and now what? because of you i'm a juvenile? oh thanks bitch. you're so cool. wtf. what the fuck is up with exgf's? you know what i fucking understand, i'm an exgf too but you fucking act like you're the only one in the world who is one and that everyone is against you. NO ONE IS FUCKING AGAINST YOU, everyone's trying to help you and you feel like they are because they can't get your boyfriend back for you. just grow the fuck up, and move on with life. that's why break up's were fucking invented. so you can learn to move on with motherfucking life. that's how life is. if you can't live up to life then why are you living? you're wasting valuable time. do you think i have time for this nonsense? these child games. you don't think i know shit like this? i've fucking taken psychology classes to learn more bout this shit. i'm going to fucking major in psychology and be a marriage counselor, wouldnt you fucking even think i'd know what the fuck i'm doing cause i do. i know what i'm saying and i see what i do. so think twice because you do something stupid.

because you just overdramatize everthing, make it a big deal. don't assume, find the facts. you don't know it? then fucking come up to my face and ask me for the truth. if the truth hurts then too fucking bad. get the fuck over it, and move on. i dont have time for little girls who piss me off and plan to send me to juvi.